I think that I haven't reached out to others for a certain amount of time and then when i do my research I find I actually have. People seem to do be doing ok.. I guess I should stop worrying about my ability to care.
I have been feeling guilty about my lack of activity on this blog and on my others. I am an intense love for everyone in my life, including anyone who stops by and momentarily reads my words. Even in that instance we have a connection that could not be broken easily, its only a case of numbers and definition that makes it appear heavier or lighter - and goodness knows those human concepts are the most slippery of many i have encountered - there is an irony in there somewhere.
I have been thinking about coping.. and what it means.. I used to be able to cope easier, my seizures when they came were deeper and it was relatively easy to know what was going on (not that they weren't real scary) Now i have a more trembly brain.. it seems the things I feel most passionate about are the things that trigger it *typical* So it comes down to people, their feelings, their contradictions and their worries...
I love you all so much and you are more valid than a lot of the things that get you down. But what about the tangles in our minds... where worries impact on other worries and then take up the place of other worries. As an epileptic i have brain damage.. I think this makes it hard for things to flow past.. they kind of hit a brick wall... and then I am powerless to help.. to help you or to help myself. Then what?
Isn't it wonderful when we can workshop our feelings and grow through them. Or when we can distract ourselves by watching a drama on TV, or play a game where our character moves through stages of feeling. I am thinking that maybe I can't join you in your wild games.. not so much. You run along and have fun and I'll just sit here on the veranda of my mind and admire your energy. When you cut your knee and are truly ready to sit and heal for a time.. maybe even catch your breath.. I'll be right here, ready to share a secret smile.