Thursday, 5 September 2013

End of holiday...

End of holiday..... and so so very tired!
I am becoming stupider by the day and well overdue for a deep seizure - or thats what it feels like.
My seizures certainly seem to be a release from all the expectations and habits that I end up having to hold on very tight to to maintain my idea of who I am. It's dam scary to be lifted out of a constructed world at not much more than a moment's notice. And I mustn't really have a seizure before i have gathered the school uniform and bought some new shoes for the kids.

When i have a deep seizure it takes me 2 or 3 days to come back to understanding my place in the world. Steve, my husband and carer, is excellent and probably could get all the things that need doing done in my 'absence' but there is always that nagging motherly instinct that wants to be the best mother ever for my dear little darlings - and 'zoning out' is not one of those things that that 'best mother' would do.

The mother instinct is such a weird thing.. I remember when i was pregnant with my first child and so very worried that i would be too selfish or disorganised to care for it when it arrived. Then when she did, suddenly the parenting thing made sense on an emotional level (intellectually I'm not sure i came back to roost for at least 10 more months). But for a disabled mother I think that the awareness of how one is restricted by your disability constantly fights with the instinct to be the best mother ever for this miracle person who didn't exist and now does.

How does one 'care for' whilst being 'cared for'.. I wonder, wonder......