Disability and Abuse - a crosspost from my YouTube channel 'Emily'sVisions'

I have been running a Youtube channel for a while and been sharing my feelings and things on there. I sometimes have problems with my wrists seeing as I communicate so much in text and also the fatigue that comes with frequent seizures. The occasional 'Vlog' has been a great way to encourage myself to communicate even when I have these setbacks :)

Posting a link here to my most recent video where I talk about 'Disability and Abuse' some thoughts I have been having recently. I enjoy relating to people but have often had to watch myself carefully as I am a very open person as a result of my disability and cannot spare energy to those who would enjoy me as a bit of a feast ^^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAotHPc5Yoc&feature=youtu.be

Text from the video

"Hi everyone Emily here from Emily's visions. Today I want to talk about Disability and Abuse. 

The one thing I wanted to say today is just as disabled people may get benefits and help so that they can have carers to look after them and make life more easy. This helps to make life more normal for them making it more possible to rise above the obstructions their disability presents to them. (I'm certainly one of those people) - Just as caring is important to disabled people I think it's also important to recognise how easily how easy it is the disabled people to be abused. 

If you have a lack of care in your daily life or during difficult times then as somebody with a disability your ability and your mental state, your functioning as a human being will rapidly decline, rapidly recline. You will go from someone you can do a few things with help to finding that even the most simple things difficult. I think that all people can understand that a little bit because when anyone is ( for example getting knocked over by the flu) you can't think straight and you just have to struggle through until you get better. So we can all empathise with times like that. So if you have a lack of care as a disabled person that's the result.. if you get abused obviously even more so. 

Disabled people are actually more likely to get abused because people who abuse people tend to be impatient. They tend to have their own agenda and are not interested in other people having their own views about things... so a disabled person is likely to upset them quite a bit because they won't be able to do the things that normal people can do. So the Abuser will say 'just do this thing it is simple' because of course they wanted to be simple but you may find at a disabled person that you just can't do that thing.
I often find that that's a cause of a lot of friction in my relationships particularly as I have seizures that come and go. Also my mental state and brain capacity that comes and goes as a result of brain damage. 

So sometimes somebody will say to me 'okay you do that' and it may be that last Tuesday I was really efficient and I got it done PLUS but because of the current state I'm in I can't. Even sometimes with my husband he might say to me 'can you explain this thing' and if I can it will be a simple matter because there's a certain amount of understanding he's needs to gain in order to put the subject 'to bed'. But if my brain is like 'I don't understand' and in a bad state It is hard to be clear. For example if it's an object that is placed in a random place  I may not even remember placing the object there, or recognise the object or my relationship to it. So I just have to say 'no I'm sorry I can't do that'. I'm learning more and more to be able to say that clearly and recognise that I'm it in seizure or in an odd state.. over time that's something I'm working hard on :-p

So I just wanted to mention disability and abuse because I do think that disabled people or the fact that you can't do something can be extremely irritating to people. If you happen to have impatient people in your life who have a tendency towards abuse, they will abuse you. It's a fact.
I was talking to my friend about this the other day, that being aware that someone IS abusing you is the first step, to catch it rather than dismissing oneself and experience. I think sometimes I think 'I'm the one who is being difficult here' - therefore it is 'my fault' and then find it easy to dismiss the abuse. But then I'm not ready to look after myself which I think is a shame for other people in my life because they then don't get the benefits of me being in a good state.

While I was thinking about this I remember the sketch called Lou and Andy - I can't remember which comedy sketch show it was in but Lou and Andy but it was about a Disabled person and his Carer. Andy was in a wheelchair and the joke of the thing there was Andy wasn't actually very disabled so Lou would turn his back or go and do something and Andy would be out of his wheelchair and off 'doing his thing' - running back to the wheelchair before Lou got back. Also Andy was quite picky so he would say 'yes let's do that, I want to do that Lou'. Andy would say to his carer 'I want to do this, I want to do this' and they would do it and he would say 'I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it'.

So I find that quite interesting... I wanted to bring this up at the end of this thing because I can see the humour in the sketch BUT also I can see the passive aggression that was demonstrated in it. I think the frustration is very normal for people who have to look after someone who is hard work to look after. It can be a bit frustrating and I think it's there are times when anyone would think 'if that person try just a little harder then everything would be smooth and easy'... so recognising the frustration that comes up around Caring in Disability I just wanted to mention it today as something I've noticed and therefore an awareness I'm working on.

Nice speaking to you today!"

Another long break..

During which I had to deal with the trauma of my narcissistic mother offering her spare room to my eldest daughter and winning her away from me.

I think this is an experience that is more common than it should be for disabled mothers.. young people are easily confused and dissatisfied during their teenage years and I have to say it has not been easy energetically or financially being a disabled mum with uncontrolled epilepsy. It's then VERY easy for anything to be sold as 'the greener side of the fence'.

I have had issues with the belittling of my mother for most of my adult life as she often gave me the feeling that the life I had built for myself was uninteresting. Rarely did she visit my house (we live in the same town) for reasons other than to tell me what her next plan was and how I should fit into it. I also have learnt since the bombshell that she took the side of my ex in a lot of things, especially during the phase of my eldest daughter's early life - when motherly confidence is in short supply.

The main issue I have had with my mum is that she (naturally I feel) had a difficult time adjusting to my epilepsy. Only in adulthood have I discovered how marvellously subtle it is to have brain damage and the different types of effect it can have carrying around such a sensitive organ in a state of flux and compensation for said injury. During childhood a lot of symptoms were written off as me being a day-dreamer .. or over emotional (boy has she used that plenty of times to gaslight me into submission and alienate me from others). But also as a parent she has been disempowering and thriving on the attention one gets as a grandparent - working towards being my children's 'friend' and gossiping with them in ways that are entirely inappropriate. I had to stop her taking the kids out for a while when my eldest (who was 7 at the time) came back from the zoo trip telling me that grandma had said I was 'naughty'. More recently  (during the grooming 'come live with me' phase) it was reported by my eldest that she was saying things like 'when will your mum get a job' and also in reference to when I got beaten up as a child 'it cant have been that bad because she wasn't covered in bruises'.

I did try to go to counselling with my mum in Feb of the year she stole my daughter (who was 17 at time so everyone said 'she can make her own decisions'). The session was impossible but I gave it my best. As it was she refused to acknowledge anything I said as even my own truth.. saying 'i don't understand the pictures you are painting' when I was talking about things that actually happened. She only called me by my name once when she was pretty much telling me off for crying - it must have been very embarrassing for her.

Since then I went non-contact. I am disabled and don't have the extra energy I can give to this woman - so she took my child. I also could no longer bully my children into going along with her schemes - as they were old enough to start saying no :-p. Haven't heard from my child since then (we had not had any argument when she left) as my mum ramped up her natural anxiety to the point where she tells everyone she is scared of me.

3 of us left are now quite balanced and happy (I am going to regular counselling on my own) but that's pretty much what I have been doing in my year gap - most educational! Oh.. and having more like a seizure a day - stress probably.