Whatever people might say about finding a 'fix' for this.. when i took the meds prescribed by the doctor (they since have said i can choose either way whether to experiment with this as i have 'difficult to treat epilepsy') they levelled my experience so my life was more consistent.. but I strongly believe that this was a subsistence level due to the high dose i had to take and I prefer exploring the dynamics of who i am without correction.
No-one wants to be not special.. we all struggle to be different. We more specifically push real hard not to be like people we don't like - and I'm wondering how much that makes us avoid behaviour that actually we would personally enjoy. I don't want to be generic.. despite the fact my seizures stop me from developing the kind of personality which would be more natural if my mind was more of a stream of moments. I still want to believe that the parts i remember and practice between seizures are part of a strong 'me', individualistic and yet not solely issue based (ie made up of the things i grasp strongly at because they make me angry or scared). But I wonder... what bits am i leaving out..? What parts of 'being human' on a generic level are generic BECAUSE most people can enjoy them.
I tend to avoid things and behaviour that seems unintelligent to me.. I confess a subtle snootyness about that. But maybe they seem unintelligent because i can't see the type of intelligence that lies within the behaviour or.. lets face it,, i am ignorant of why people find it fun and interesting because I simply haven't tried it.
This has been interesting up to this point but I feel I need to illustrate a bit more what I am meaning so I'll try but its reaching into the area of stuff i find hard to talk about for whatever reason - so bear with me ^^
1) I had a childminder once who spent most of her day in her dressing gown, served us greasy food and often there was violence on the TV that was on all day while she 'cared' for kids. I think from that i have taking a guilt about lazing about in my dressing gown (which is a human freedom is it not).. and a fear that if one doesn't maintain constant and nitpicking vigilance while kids are around.
2) My mother is a wonderful person who I admire and feel grateful for her love in this life but her extremes from my perspective oscillate between someone who defines herself by work (when she was younger and not so ill mostly) and a fairly mousy person who doesn't have much sensuality in her life. From this I have been quite timid about intimacy with others and the rituals that surround them.. cards and random pressies for a loved one.. dressing up attractively.. wearing pretty underwear.. that sort of thing.
This also includes frivolous behaviour - getting drunk, random parties, having a dog, art for art's sake etc...
So I think i am embarking on a gentle study of conventional human objects and activities.. the things that 'a lot of people do'. This first few steps seem to reveal an interestingly easy happiness.. pleasure in simple things or whatever..
For the record... ;)